IT BEGINS WITH YOU!
In Lesson Two we briefly covered Attachment Theory and the impact the parent/child bond has on the emotional development of children. During this lesson we are going to focus on you, as the parent, and the essential role you play in teaching empathy to your child.
PARENTS ARE IMPORTANT!
Research has shown that children with secure parental attachments not only display lower emotional negativity, but when raised by a sensitive caregiver, they often display empathy and learn to regulate their emotions more effectively (Panfile & Laible, 2012). The relationships children have with their parents when they are younger continues to impact them throughout their lives (Zhou et al, 2002). In other words, children who have a loving relationship with their parents when they are young, grow into emotionally healthy adults who are able to form meaningful relationships with others.
PARENTAL WARMTH
In a study, closeness and being connected, also referred to as emotional warmth, was shown to have the highest impact on whether or not a child would grow up to have compassion as an adult. Results showed parental warmth was essential and slightly more important in younger years compared to later in life (Hintsanen et al, 2019). Establishing a strong connection with children when they are young is important but as parents, we aren’t off the hook once our child turns six! The parent/child relationship continues to be important throughout childhood and into adolescence.
TEENS TRASH HOME: A PARENT'S RESPONSE
Watch this short clip about a group of teenagers who broke into a man’s home to have a party and caused $20,000 worth of damages. The parents were upset when the man posted the names of the teens online and suggested they make restitution. As you watch the video consider the following questions:
How would I feel if my child was involved?
How would I feel if it was my home that was damaged? What would I do?
How would I handle my own feelings and the feelings of my child at the same time?
What were the children thinking while they did this? Did they consider how the homeowner would feel?
Inward or Outward Focused?
As you watched the clip you may have noticed that all of the people involved were focused on themselves rather than thinking of others. What kind of relationship do you suppose these youth have with their parents, and with other adults in their lives? As parents, how can we ensure that we are raising empathetic and caring youth?
What Message Are We Sending?
According to a recent report 80% of youth surveyed believed that their parents cared more about their school performance and happiness and less about their concern for others. In regards to ranking the importance of certain priorities, 22% of youth surveyed in the same report ranked caring at the top of their list, while 48% chose achievement and 30% chose happiness (Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2014).
Graph Credit
DO AS I SAY--NOT AS I DO
Ask any parent if they want to raise a well-adjusted, kind child and they are going to give an emphatic, “Yes!” It’s not that parents want their children and future generations to be self-serving individuals--quite the opposite. However, judging from the data mentioned above, as a society, we are experiencing a disconnect between what parents want to teach their children, and what their children are learning and witnessing. A classic case of, “Do as I say, but not as I do.” Perhaps children are getting the message, but not the message that parents are intending to send. Is it possible parents tell their children to be kind to their peers and speak up if they see bullying, but absentmindedly call the guy in traffic a moron when he cuts them off? Have they witnessed their parent being slightly irritated (maybe even rude) to a waitress for getting their order wrong? Why does she insist on using sourdough to make a tuna melt--every time! It’s a sticky situation, and maybe even a tiny bit uncomfortable to think about. Despite what you might think, being uncomfortable is a good thing. It means we are delving into an area where there is potential growth to be had! It’s time to get excited!
MODELING--IT'S NOT JUST FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS!
The stakes are high. Parents are not only influencing children that will impact families, but will carry their experiences, beliefs and attitudes out into the world--for better or worse. Rather than get overwhelmed, we are going to discuss the importance of being a powerful role model in your child’s life. Watch this short video clip from “Modern Family” about the difference between a role model that “shows” and a role model that “tells”.
Watch video here.
Think of someone you know (maybe even in your family); what similarities can you spot between them and their parents, or another influential person in their lives. Perhaps they have the same mannerisms, belief systems or sense of humor. Parents and other caregivers are role models in the lives of children--intentional or not. So, let’s be intentional in our efforts!
3 STEPS TO BEING A ROLE MODEL
In a recent article three main points were given to help parents be positive role models of empathy in their child’s life (Madigan et al, 2018).
STEP 1:Show How It’s Done
Model the behavior you would like to see in your children. When it comes to being kind, empathetic and caring, show your children what that looks like. You can help them understand what they are feeling by walking them through their emotions.
Acknowledge and name their emotions with phrases like: “You seem stressed. How can I help?”
Remember to acknowledge their feelings and show understanding.
Treating your spouse or significant other with the same concern and empathy as you do your children will have a deep impact on their learning and your relationship.
STEP 2: MAKE CONNECTIONS
Many times, feelings and emotions are about cause and effect, which can be difficult for some children (and even adults) to make those connections. Help them understand where their feelings are coming from.
When children are fighting we can respond with: “Oliver is feeling sad because Max took his toy. What will help Oliver feel better?” This is similar to asking, “What might that person be feeling? And what can we do to help?”
Remember to connect feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
Modeling this behavior in your personal relationships will go a long way in helping your children show and maintain empathy.
STEP 3: FOCUS
Create an environment at home where the focus is understanding, empathizing and working together as a team. Create opportunities for success among your children and acknowledge their efforts. In Lesson 4: Practical Tools, we will be covering how to communicate empathetically with adults inside and outside of the home.
Try using phrases like: “That was kind of you to help your sister with her homework when you had homework of your own.”
Remember to set the appropriate tone of helpfulness in your home.
Modeling this behavior with other adults in and outside of your home will have a tremendous impact on your children.
PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON FIRST
Being an empathetic person and parent requires patience which can put parents in danger of becoming emotionally drained. In order to be able to give to others, parents must make sure their “love buckets” are filled. Oftentimes people compare parenthood to being on an airplane that is experiencing severe turbulence. What are the instructions given to passengers flying with children? Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. It may sound like a selfish thing to do in the moment, but people aren’t any good to anyone if they’re passed out and slumped over in their seat! It’s essential that parents take time to care for themselves emotionally and physically because raising kind, empathetic children isn’t for the faint of heart!
SELF CARE
A recent study had participants read a story about a young woman who experienced several trials in her life and were then asked to offer advice. Group one was asked to put themselves in the young woman’s place and imagine how they would feel. Group two was asked to simply imagine how the young woman felt, and group three (control group) was asked to be objective. The group that was asked to put themselves in the shoes of the young woman experienced negative effects such as stress and sadness. Contrastingly, group two, those who were asked to feel for the young woman, and not with her, felt empowered to help, rather than overwhelmed with emotion like the other group (Buffone et al, 2017). Ask yourself, how might empathetic parenting help you feel empowered rather than overwhelmed?
ARE YOU TOO EMPATHETIC?
Are You Too Empathetic?
In order to keep empathy healthy and helpful, it’s important to keep emotions in check by asking yourself the following questions (Rogers, 2017):
Am I consumed with anxiety when my child has to face something difficult?
Do people tell me “you worry too much”?
Do my child’s struggles keep me up at night?
Do I “take on” my child’s feelings?
Answering “yes” to the questions above might be a sign that it’s time to take a step back and implement some of the suggestions below.
EMPATHY BURNOUT
Now that we understand empathy can take its toll emotionally, we have some tips to help parents avoid love bucket depletion and protection from empathy burnout.
In the following video, SoulPancake explores the impact empathy can have on an individual versus a group of people working together. After watching the video ask yourself, “Who are the people I can depend on in my life and where can I go to get empathy when I need it?”
THREE THINGS TO HELP PREVENT EMPATHY BURNOUT
(Rogers, 2017):
JUST BREATHE
Pause--Take a breath--Then another. Don’t underestimate the power of breathing and Mindfulness (being in the moment). Being purposeful about breathing slows the heart rate and calms the mind.
BE KIND...TO YOURSELF
Parents tend to be harder on themselves than anyone else. Picture your best friend--the person that can always make you laugh and who knows all your inside jokes. Now, imagine that person made a mistake and they feel awful. How would you comfort them? Treat yourself with that same grace the next time you make a mistake. You deserve it!
GIVE YOURSELF TIME
Time is so valuable--especially to parents. It’s important to be in tune with what the mind and body are saying. Whether it’s time alone, reading a favorite book or time spent with a significant other or group of friends. Don’t worry about the dishes. They will get done.
WEEKLY CHALLENGE & COMMITMENT
This week’s challenge is to speak to a friend or family member over the phone or in person. Tell them you’ve been thinking about them, and ask them how they are doing...how they are really doing. Be a good listener and try to use empathetic words and phrases as they speak to you. You can DO IT!!
COMMITMENT
This week is all about modeling empathetic behavior without putting yourself at risk for burnout--a tricky balance! The suggestions below will assist you in accomplishing this balance while keeping the things you’ve learned in this lesson fresh on your mind. Commit to doing just one or ALL of them!
OPTION ONE: EMPATHY VS. SYMPATHY AND THE PARKING TICKET
Watch the following video for not only a refresher on how to show empathy towards the people around you, but to also be reminded of how important it is to connect with others and be present and in the moment.
Watch video here.
OPTION TWO: TIME OUT
Make an appointment with yourself this week doing something you enjoy and that will relax and rejuvenate you. Put it in your calendar. Make it official. It’s important!
OPTION THREE: MINDFULNESS
Watch the following video for a quick intro to mindfulness. Get ready to be grounded!
Watch video here.
KIDS CORNER
It’s important for children to be active participants in their own learning! Take a moment to sit with your child and talk to them about what you’ve learned. Use the resources below to help get them engaged!
OPTION ONE: MINDFULNESS FOR KIDS
Watch the following video with your child. We dare you NOT to take a deep breath while you are watching it, and to NOT feel relaxed afterward! Make it a point as a family to practice this technique throughout the coming week!
Watch video here.
OPTION TWO: MINDFULNESS FOR TEENS
Often times older children can get easily stressed with homework, school projects, exams or just life, in general. Set some quiet time aside (maybe before bed) to try out this five minute mindfulness exercise. Do it as a family, or individually. You will feel much better afterwards!
Watch video here.
LESSON 3 REFERENCES
If you're interested in seeing a list of references for our lesson, please visit this page.