EMPATHY IN SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
If you have more than one child, helping your children get along is probably at the top of your parenting list. Sibling conflicts may happen for many reasons, but the good news is that you can use those difficult moments to help your children practice important life skills. Sibling conflicts can be used as an opportunity for children to learn about their emotions, how to understand others, communication skills, problem-solving, team-work, and forgiveness. Not to mention it makes our lives, as parents, a lot more enjoyable!
SIBLINGS WHO FIGHT
A mother was getting tired of putting her children in time-out. They always seemed to be fighting despite her efforts to force them to get along. More specifically, her oldest son was always picking-on and fighting with his younger brother. They would push and hit each other, fight over toys and electronics, chase each other around the house, and slam doors in one another’s faces. Everything his little brother did seemed to aggravate her oldest child. One time she even saw him trip his little brother and smile as he fell and got hurt. He seemed to enjoy being malicious. She tried taking her oldest son’s electronics away and not allowing him to have his friends over. The more the mother tried to correct her boys, the more they acted out. The mother did not understand why her sons could not get along and it was starting to break her down. She wondered why her son could get along so well with others, but not his brother.
REASONS WHY
What do you think was happening beneath the surface of the scenario above? What could have been done to help?
If the above scenario sounded familiar to you--don’t worry--we did not install a hidden camera in your home! All children come to expect preferential or exclusive care, and all are distressed by the loss of this special status with the arrival of a new sibling (Hart, pg.17, 2011). This type of sibling dynamic is not uncommon, and this is why:
Unlike with their friends, siblings feel secure enough with one another that they are not afraid to let out their frustrations at home--even if it gets physical.
Siblings often feel they need to fight for their parent's attention.
The more intimate a person’s relationship is with someone (for example sibling relationships versus friendships) the more powerful the feelings are, whether they are good or bad. Children often fight about ownership, toys, and power.
Age differences often cause misunderstandings among siblings.
Younger siblings often get more attention from their parents than older siblings, and older siblings don't know how to cope.
In the scenario above, the older brother likely felt threatened by his younger brother, who everyone was more patient and affectionate with. No one thought he was cute or funny anymore and he felt like his little brother got away with a lot more things than he did. His younger brother didn't get in trouble when he spilled his drink or broke something. When he felt jealous or hurt by what he saw as his parent's preference for his brother, he did not know how to manage his feelings. He blamed the hurt that he felt on his brother, and became bitter toward him. To top it off, when he acted out, he finally got more attention from his parents. He felt powerful and important. In his mind, any attention (even negative attention) was better than no attention at all. If you are in a similar situation with your children, don't worry, “Evidence suggests that infant jealousy is a normal, healthy sign of emotional development and social bonding” (Hart, p.13, 2011).
RESEARCH: CHILD DEVELOPMENT IS A FAMILY AFFAIR
Did you know that the patterns of communication that children learn within their family have a powerful influence on their personality development?
This is because “the first emotional and affectionate bonds experienced within the family serve as the basis for attachment, trust, and security in nearly all other close relationships” (Tafoya, 2012, p. 66). Due to the powerful impact that childhood has on our children’s development, “siblings’ conflicts in childhood, for example, are associated with concurrent and later deviances, school problems, bullying, substance use, and internalizing symptoms” (McHale, 2012, p. 920). Internalizing symptoms includes negative behaviors that are focused inward, like depression, social withdrawal and anxiety, while externalized behaviors may include vandalism and bullying. Researchers have even concluded that the experiences we’ve had in our sibling relationships growing up, carry on with us into our marriages as adults. This is not surprising considering that “except for time spent together by spouses in long-standing marriages, cumulative time spent with siblings during our formative years far surpasses time in any other relationship during our lifetime” (Mones, 2001, p. 455).
This evidence is great news for parents because all the responsibility for teaching empathy doesn’t fall solely on them! Parents share the responsibility with siblings. This makes teaching our children important relationship skills while they are young, even more important than we may have thought. It’s important to remember that “through their conflicts, for example, siblings can develop skills in perspective taking, emotion understanding, negotiation, persuasion, and problem-solving” (McHale, 2012, p. 920). In other words, it's not so bad if they fight! Take this as a great teaching experience.
OLDER SIBLINGS
The reason that siblings have such a profound effect on our children’s future relationships is that “it is within our sibling interaction that we learn to deal with differences in fairness, sharing, and conflict” (Mones, 2001, p. 455). It is with our siblings that we learn to share family resources, a parent’s love and attention, learn to communicate effectively, regulation our emotions, follow rules, express affection, compete, cooperate and understand other’s experiences.
Older siblings can have a particularly strong influence on their younger siblings because like parents, “an older sibling might be viewed as a respected source of knowledge and, consistent with a social learning perspective, might serve as a role model of empathy for younger siblings” (Tucker, 1999, p. 177). Older siblings, however, can provide children with a more realistic example of how they should act than their parents can, because they experience the world in a similar way, and have a lot of the same experiences and encounters as their younger siblings.
Older siblings can provide proper knowledge about the world to their younger siblings, including how to recognize and interpret social situations and how to take another person’s point of view (Tucker, 1999, p.177). If you have seen your younger children imitate their older sibling, that is a good thing! Our children can be much more effective teachers than us if we give them the proper tools and knowledge. Help them practice empathy!
SIBLING SHOW-AND-TELL
The following video has some great examples of sibling interaction and relationships. As you watch this video think about the relationship these children had with their siblings.
Did age have an impact on their communication?
Did you notice a sense of protection over their younger sibling?
Did you notice empathy in their interactions?
If this was your children on the show, how do you think they would have acted and reacted toward one another?
ENCOURAGING EMPATHY AMONG SIBLINGS
Listed below are some great ideas on how to encourage empathy and friendship among your children. Don’t give up hope if you feel like your children are more likely to go viral on Youtube with a video of them battling it out with foam swords (or real ones). The relationships your children have with their siblings will last a lifetime and are worth working on and improving! Below are suggestions for assisting your children in improving their sibling relationships (Lee, 2019).
DON'T MAKE COMPARISONS
Do not compare your children with one another--even if you have the best of intentions.
For Example: Saying, “I never had this problem with your brother,” is a great way to create sibling rivalry between your children.
WHAT ARE THE REASONS?
Spend some time paying attention to when your children fight most. You may find a hidden pattern in their interactions. Even if you think to yourself, “The problem is figuring out when they DON’T fight!” You may gain some insight into ways you can lessen the tension among them. Figure out what the root cause is and take steps to fix it.
For Example: When does it usually happen?
Does it happen when they are tired, sick or hungry?
Has it been a while since you’ve spent one-on-one time with each child? Perhaps they are fighting for your attention (good or bad).
LET THEM FIGURE IT OUT
When appropriate, let your children resolve their conflicts without jumping in. You can be the “referee” as you watch them from the sidelines, but allowing them to negotiate a truce or compromise will teach them valuable communication skills! Sometimes you may find children want you to step in and quickly resolve the situation, but this can rob them of valuable practice in communicating. Remember, now is the time to prepare children to develop healthy communication skills they will utilize in their future relationships, careers and marriages.
For Example: If a squabble breaks out in the car over who gets to pick the radio station, you could say, “I’m going to allow you guys to figure out a compromise.” Give them guidance along the way if need be.
CELEBRATE THEIR DIFFERENCES
If you have more than one child, chances are they are each unique. Be sure to point out the strengths that come with being different. Each person brings their own contribution to the family that is amazing! How boring would it be if we were all the same! Establishing this type of inclusivity in the home will take time, be sure to make a conscious effort to point out the strengths of all family members consistently. Yes this takes extra effort, and Yes it’s worth it!
For Example: You could say something like, “I really appreciate how organized you are! You really help our family stay on top of things!” or “We are so blessed to have such a variety of talents/personalities/strengths & weaknesses in our home! These things give us opportunities to really come together!”
ENCOURAGE TEAMWORK
Give your children a project to complete or chores to accomplish. Learning to work together to solve a problem or finish a task will assist them in strengthening their bond and learn how to work together. There will likely be bumps along the way, but don’t worry--use these bumps as learning opportunities to teach them about communication!
For Example: If your children can’t seem to resolve a conflict, assign them a chore to work on together. Tell them their disagreement should be resolved by the time they are done unloading the dishwasher or picking weeds or washing the baseboards.
TEACH RESPECT
Respecting others (even annoying siblings) is an essential part of maintaining healthy relationships and showing respect to a sibling by listening to what they have to say is a great way to encourage sibling friendships.
For Example: Make sure everyone’s space and belongings are respected. Siblings must get permission to use one another’s things or knock before entering their room. This helps everyone in the home feel like they are valued as well as establishes healthy boundaries.
HAVE FUN TOGETHER
Don’t underestimate the power of family fun! The quickest way to strengthen familial bonds and squash sibling conflict is to participate in an activity together.
For example: If your children are having a particularly difficult time getting along, plan a spontaneous family picnic in the backyard or campout in the living room or watch a movie from the blanket fort you made together.
PARENTING WITH EMPATHY
We have talked a lot about parenting with empathy throughout our lessons, but practice makes progress! There is no better way to teach our children to show empathy with each other, than by showing them how it's done. Here is a review of what we have learned:
Repeat after me. “It's okay to have negative emotions in this house.” If we have been taught to dismiss negative emotions throughout our lives, it can take some practice. Avoid using phrases such as: “Calm down, nothing is happening” “Don't make such a big deal out of it” or “Don't cry, it’s okay.” Remember, saying it in a sweet and loving voice does not make it more helpful.
Help your children label and understand what they are experiencing. This may sound like, “I see that you are very frustrated because you want to watch your show.”
Listen to your child. Ask them to tell you more about the experience. This helps them calm down, and also communicates to them that they are worth your time.
Repeat what you hear back. This helps them know that you understand and that their explanation made sense. Everyone wants to feel understood.
Show empathy to all. If the situation involves more than one person, don't forget to show empathy to them both. Be careful not to take sides, find blame in one or the other person, or shut down communication.
Emotion equals intimacy. Lastly, don't forget that a child’s expression of emotion is a perfect moment for intimacy.
WEEKLY CHALLENGE & COMMITMENT
This week’s challenge is to allow your children to resolve at least one conflict with one another without you stepping in. Hopefully, you have been implementing and modeling appropriate communication skills these last few weeks, and now your children are ready to figure things out on their own! Fight the urge to step in and settle any disputes. Stand on the sidelines (if need be) and offer gentle reminders, but let them take the lead.
If you don’t have more than one child (or any children) at home, take this week to reach out to a sibling, other relative or friend that deserves some extra empathy and love. Resolve an old conflict or offer your love and support to them. Take what you have learned these past weeks out into the world and let your light shine! You can DO IT!!
COMMITMENT
This week is about ensuring your children are showing empathy toward one another and are taking an active role in improving their sibling relationships. The suggestions below will assist you in taking what you’ve learned to another level of commitment! Commit to doing just one or ALL of them!
OPTION ONE: WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM
Often times it’s difficult to get your family to think of themselves as a “team”! Check out this article and video from the Wall Street Journal with some great suggestions to create a sense of teamwork in your family. Plan a project this coming week and try these new suggestions!
Check out the video/article here.
OPTION TWO: ROLE PLAY
There is one thing you can be sure of--it will be much more difficult for your child to practice what they have learned in the heat of the moment, when emotions are at an all time high. Take some time to look back at some of the experiences that you have had throughout the past week, where you or your child could have shown more empathy, or think of some common scenarios that happen at your house. Together with your child, think of ways that you could have done better, and ways that you can react when things happen in the future. Here is an example to get you started:
Your sister had your favorite toy. Instead of taking it away, you could:
Tell her how much you enjoy playing with it.
Ask her why she likes to play with it.
Explain to her that it is important to you, and that you would like her to take care of it.
Ask her if you can play with it when she is done.
KIDS CORNER
It’s important for children to be active participants in their own learning! Take a moment to sit with your child and talk to them about what you’ve learned. Use the resources below to help get them engaged!
OPTION ONE: THE NEW SIBLING CHART
If you have one child, but planning on having more, this video will help you prepare your child for the new addition. Preparing your child in advance will help them adjust to the new arrival as well as emphasize the fact that he/she will be involved in caring for and loving the new sibling! Spelling out rules and speaking about expectations will help solidify the bond they will have in the future and set them on the road for a successful relationship!
Access chart here.
OPTION TWO: ACTS OF KINDNESS
This week make it a point to “catch” family members showing kindness and empathy towards one another! Make a list and post it on the fridge so it’s visible to everyone. Encourage everyone to add to the list as the week goes on. Acknowledging one another’s efforts will help encourage the kindness! Check out the link below to read the full article!
Access Link here.
LESSON 6 REFERENCES
If you're interested in seeing a list of references for our lesson, please visit this page.