LET'S FOCUS!
John Gottman (2015), award-winning speaker, author, and professor of psychology, shared the following real story about a father and daughter:
“She was two at the time and we were on a cross-country flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored, tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, her favorite stuffed animal and comfort object. Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked at the baggage counter.
‘I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t get Zebra right now. He’s in the big suitcase in another part of the plane,’ I explained.
‘I want Zebra,’ she whined pitifully.
‘I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn’t here. He’s in the baggage compartment underneath the plane and Daddy can’t get him until we get off the plane. I’m sorry.’
‘I want Zebra! I want Zebra!’ she moaned again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on the floor where she’d seen me go for snacks.
‘I know you want Zebra,’ I said, feeling my blood pressure rise.
‘But he’s not in that bag. He’s not here and I can’t do anything about it. Look, why don’t we read about Ernie,’ I said, fumbling for one of her favourite picture books.
‘Not Ernie!’ She wailed, angry now. ‘I want him Zebra. I want him now!’
By now, I was getting ‘do something’ looks from the passengers, from the airline attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriah’s face, red with anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all, wasn’t I the guy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I withholding her favourite toy from her? Didn’t I understand how much she wanted it?
I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldn’t get Zebra, but I could offer the next best thing—a father’s comfort.
‘You wish you had Zebra now,’ I said to her.
‘Yeah,’ she said sadly.
‘And you’re angry because we can’t get him for you.’
‘Yeah.’
‘You wish you had Zebra right now,’ I repeated, as she stared at me, looking rather curious, almost surprised.
‘Yeah,’ she muttered. ‘I want him now,’
‘You’re tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we could get out of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and pillows where we could just lie down.’
‘Yeah,’ she agreed.
‘We can’t get Zebra because he’s in another part of the airplane,’ I said ‘That makes you feel frustrated.’
‘Yeah,’ she said with a sigh.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, watching the tension leave from her face. She rested her head against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few more times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.
Although Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wanted—her Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasn’t possible, she wasn’t interested in my excuses, arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however, was another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make her feel better. For me, it was a memorable testament to the power of empathy” (p. 69, 70).
HOW EMPATHETIC ARE YOU?
Often times parents get overwhelmed with the myriad of things they are responsible for teaching their children, but in this lesson we are going to cover several ways that will help parents feel they are super stars when it comes to implementing all the information we have covered about empathy. We will discuss practical tools to integrate empathy into an already busy schedule.
Before we get started, follow the link below to take the Empathy Quotient quiz to get a better idea of your level of empathy.
Take the quiz here.
REMEMBER, PARENTS ARE ROLE MODELS
Children see our communication and interaction with others on a daily basis. They quietly soak up the information we give them as they learn how to interact with others in the world. Remember, we are role models to our children and how we treat others can have a huge impact on the messages they receive from us. Watch the following video that delves a little deeper into being an empathetic listener with the adults in your life and provides some examples of what to do and what not to do to show empathy towards others.
Watch the video here.
For a quick recap of what was discussed in the video, check out the following handout which summarizes CLAPR & Reflective Listening.
Get handout here.
LANGUAGE & COMMUNICATION ARE KEY
When someone is going through a trial, it might be difficult to know what to say or how to comfort them. Often times the phrases, “I know how you feel,” and “Look on the bright side,” are the “go-to’s” people choose during times of trial. Bottom line is: ALL people (including children) want to be heard and to know they’re not alone. In her article, “31 Empathic Statements” Click (2017) suggested several ways to show empathy through communication which are included in the list below:
ACKNOWLEDGE
It’s important to remember to connect with the person and avoid minimizing their feelings. Try using some of the following phrases:
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
That is really difficult.
I hate that this happened.
That sounds really challenging.
Wow. I don’t know what to say.
I can’t imagine what you must be going through.
I bet that is really hard to go through, isn't it?
SHOW GRATITUDE
Being open and honest can prove to be a challenge for most people--especially preteens and teenagers. Trust is an important part of giving and receiving empathy. Here are some phrases that can be useful.
Thank you for sharing with me.
I’m glad you told me.
It really means a lot that you trusted me with this.
I’m sure this is difficult to talk about. Thanks for opening up to me.
INQUIRE & LISTEN
Keeping tabs on an ongoing situation can be a great way to show concern for a loved one. Once they open up, being a good listener is key. The following phrases can be useful in showing genuine concern.
How are you feeling about everything?
What has this been like for you?
I’m hearing you’re feeling ____. Does that sound right?
Is there anything else you want to share?
ENCOURAGE & SUPPORT
Make it a point not to “fix” the problem, but to assist the person by showing them they are supported and loved. The following phrases may be useful:
You are so strong (brave).
I’m here for you every step of the way.
I’m so proud of you!
I love you so much.
What do you need right now?
I’m here to listen anytime.
LISTENING TO OUR CHILDREN
The following video gives a few tips on how to communicate empathy towards a child. These suggestions are quick, easy and something that can be implemented today!
In regards to teaching children how to regulate their emotions Dr. John Gottman (2015) related the following “I call the parents who get involved with their children’s feelings “Emotion Coaches.” Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them” (p. 21).
TIME TO TAKE ACTION!
Being an empathetic listener can be a great way to role model appropriate behavior for children. Often times, actions speak louder than words. Below are some ideas of ways to take action and implement empathy into daily life by making simple changes or additions to what you are already doing.
Additionally, Roots of Empathy has a great chart that summarizes ways to help parents teach empathy. Access it here.
FAMILY/PARENTING PROMISE
As a family it’s important to set a course and agree on a plan of action. On the website “Roots of Action” they offer a printable Parenting Promise which is a statement outlining what the parents and family value, as a whole. Feel free to use it or come up with a “Family Promise” of your own.
Access a printable copy of the Parenting Promise here.
FEELINGS JOURNAL
After your family has agreed upon a plan, the next step is to begin implementing simple daily activities that will assist each person in sharing their emotions and thinking outside of themselves. The following video from PBS explains how a Feelings Journal is a great way to help children of all ages explore their emotions.
In this activity the children identify what emotions they had that day and how the emotion might look or feel in a picture. They listed things that caused the emotion and then brain-stormed ways to cope with those feelings when they occur. The Feelings Journal is a great way for parents to open the door for more dialogue and can work great for older and younger kids alike.
Watch the video here.
SIMPLE, DAILY ACTIVITIES
These are things you can incorporate right now, today (For Families: 5 Tips, 2018) (Rhoades, 2018).
PETS & SIBLINGS
If you have pets or children of various ages, make sure the entire family is involved in caring for them. Take time to talk about the importance of helping others--especially those that can’t help themselves.
DIFFERENCES
Discuss differences when you’re out and about. If a child notices something different about someone, don’t get embarrassed. It’s a great learning opportunity to teach about differences and celebrate the fact that we are not all the same!
FRIENDS
Ask your child about their friends. Finding out who they sat with at lunch or who they’re doing a school project with can provide lots of opportunities to think about and talk about others. It can also give your child insight into other’s lives and help them think outside of themselves.
“Maybe your friend was in a bad mood today for another reason. Does he get along with his parents?”
Also ask questions about their teacher(s).
“I wonder if your teacher was stressed today because something is going on in her personal life.”
APOLOGIZE
Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry.” This sets a tone within the home that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone’s feelings matter. When you say you’re sorry to your child, they learn forgiveness, grace and how to apologize themselves.
ASK THE TEACHER
During parent/teacher conferences inquire about your child and how they treat others. Your child's teacher is a great resource and can give you insight into your child's behavior when you're not around!
SIBLING RIVALRY
Encourage children to see from the other’s perspective. Have them reverse roles and look at the situation from their sibling’s point of view, or ask questions to help them see how their actions impacted their sibling. We will cover this topic in depth in Lesson 6: Empathy in Sibling Relationships.
“How would it make you feel if your brother called you names?”
“If your sister took your favorite book without asking, what would you think?”
CURRENT EVENTS
Discuss current events. It’s a great opportunity to look at situations from another’s perspective, and what better way to open a discussion about helping others than with something that is currently going on locally or globally.
3 STEPS TO SELF CONTROL
Teach children (young and old) how to manage their negative emotions before they do or say something that they might regret. Follow these three easy steps:
Stop
Take a breath
Count to five
CHORES
Don’t forget the value of chores and helping around the house! Completing a task together builds a sense of accomplishment and purpose within the family. Children can also learn responsibility, teamwork and the value of helping--because it’s the right thing to do! Children need to be taught that sometimes the only “reward” for being kind is the good feeling you have inside.
MEDIA & QUESTIONS
Ask questions while you watch tv or read a book. As an example, watch the following short movie about empathy with your child then ask the following questions either during the video or afterward. Get your child thinking outside of themselves.
Watch Video Here.
Follow-Up Questions to ask after watching the video:
“How do you think it made her feel to be alone at lunch and on the playground?”
“Why do you think she was sad?”
“What would you do to help her?”
“Do you think you would have stepped in sooner?”
“Why do you think those girls were so mean to her?”
“How do you think it made her feel when someone reached out to her to be her friend?”
“Have you seen anyone treated this way at your school?”
Taking time to implement one or all of the suggestions above will provide you and your family an opportunity to learn and grow together and make a positive impact in your community and the world.
KEEP IN MIND...
Validating feelings and emotions is a vital step in teaching children emotion regulation. It’s also important to teach children the world does not revolve around them. There is a balance that must be struck between teaching children their emotions matter and setting proper boundaries. Having emotions does NOT mean they have free-reign to act however they want. A common phrase heard around our house was, “I understand you are frustrated/sad/mad/angry. You do not get to yell at me/throw your toys/hit me/roll your eyes at me.” For good measure, we would add, “I love you and don’t treat you this way, so I expect the same respect from you.” This can be effectively used with children of all ages. Children need boundaries, especially when they are learning how to regulate their emotions.
WEEKLY CHALLENGE & COMMITMENT
This week’s challenge is to practice empathetic listening in your conversations. If you need to write down the steps listed in the “Remember, Parents Are Role Models” section to help you remember or print out the handout, do so. Practice with a friend or partner first, then take what you’ve learned and implement it with a child, friend or relative who could benefit from your empathy. You can DO IT!!
COMMITMENT
This week is about taking action in small and simple ways. The suggestions below will assist you in taking what you’ve learned to another level of commitment! Commit to doing just one or ALL of them!
OPTION ONE: WHEN EMPATHY DOESN'T WORK
The article below goes into further detail for parents when using the tools you have learned aren’t getting the results you desire. It’s important to remember that empathy isn’t a way to control your child’s emotions. It’s a way to connect.
Access article here.
OPTION TWO: EMPATHY & FOOTBALL
Watch the following video about a football team helping an autistic teammate score a touchdown. Pay special attention to how this act of kindness impacted the entire school. This would be a great video to share with your children!
Watch video here.
OPTION THREE: 18 VIDEOS ABOUT EMPATHY
Follow the link below and pick one or two videos to watch with your child. There is something for all ages! Discuss what you learned together. Make a commitment to one another to practice empathy this week! Make specific goals, such as, “I’m going to smile and say hello to everyone I pass on the street.” Write it down and sign it, then post it on the fridge to hold one another accountable!
Access webpage here.
KIDS CORNER
It’s important for children to be active participants in their own learning! Take a moment to sit with your child and talk to them about what you’ve learned. Use the resources below to help get them engaged!
OPTION ONE: KID PRESIDENT SAYS, “LET’S CHANGE THE WORLD!”
Watch the following video with your child and brainstorm ideas how they will help make the world a better place. Have your children pretend they are President and make a video about how they would make a positive difference in the world!
Watch the video here.
OPTION TWO: 30 DAYS OF KINDNESS
Follow the link below to a website that has 30 days worth of ideas to be kind. Kids can make a difference in their surroundings such as, pick up trash on the playground or write a thank you note to a teacher. Feel free to add your own ideas as well and adjust as necessary to fit your situation. Print out the chart and post it on the fridge. Place a gold star on the list each time an act of kindness is completed in order to keep track of the progress!
Access chart here.
LESSON 4 REFERENCES
If you're interested in seeing a list of references for our lesson, please visit this page.