2 Things to Remember When Dealing With In-Laws of All Kinds!

You Gotta Love 'Em

In-laws. Chances are you have to deal with them if you’re married, divorced, re-married or even in a committed relationship—you might not be married but you are still dealing with the parents of your partner.

If you have adult children, then you may be learning to navigate your relationship with the new son or daughter-in-law in your life!

Hopefully, you love your in-laws, but if you don’t, perhaps you could start here: As a spouse, remember they raised the amazing person you are in love with, and as a parent, remember how much your child loves their new husband or wife! What an amazing gift LOVE is! And for that, you are eternally grateful!

Side Note: If you are divorced, perhaps you blame your ex’s parents for the person he/she turned out to be, but you can still put a positive spin on the situation by remembering that at some point you thought your ex was wonderful (or at least halfway decent--I'm not here to judge)!

Opportunity Is Knocking

In their book, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families” James M. Harper and Susan Frost Olsen state, “One of the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the partnership they create through marriage.”

Whether we like it or not, in order to have a healthy marriage, we need to have a healthy relationship with our partner’s family—especially if we have or plan to have children.

First: Set Boundaries!

The first, most important step in creating a healthy relationship with in-laws is setting boundaries. A married couple gets to work together to support one another in creating boundaries within their marriage—moving into their own home and creating their own traditions as they figure out how to integrate extended families.

Communication with your partner as well as with the in-laws is vital. An additional bit of advice from Harper and Olsen is to confide in your spouse first before anyone else. Do not go to your parents and divulge issues you may be having with your partner.

Harper and Olsen state, “Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.”

Second: R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Parents of married children hold an amount of responsibility as well. Regardless of how they feel about their child’s partner, it is important to show love and respect to their child and their new family.

Harper and Olsen give a list of 5 things the parents-in-law can do to help foster a meaningful connection in their family:

• Encourage marital identity by maintaining boundaries.

• Avoid intrusion.

• Offer advice ONLY when it is sought.

• Be accepting rather than critical.

• Work toward developing a personal positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one.

From A Divorced Perspective

Guess what?! You're not off the hook. As a divorced mother of two, I’ve found that my role as the ex daughter-in-law is not much different from the role of “regular” daughter-in-law. Because I have children, it is important for my children to maintain a healthy relationship with their grandparents.

They are as involved as they want to be and sometimes stay at my house when they visit. Of course, I’m open to the fact that my situation may be unique and depending upon the relationship prior to the divorce, it may be all you can do to just give a cordial “hello” when you see your ex in-laws.

Whatever the case may be, the important thing is to put the children’s best interests first. They deserve as many healthy relationships in their lives as possible!

Resources:

Harper, J. M., & Frost Olsen, S. (2005), Helping and Healing Our Families. Deseret Book Company.