It's NOT Confrontation...It's Communication

Great Expectations

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman states, “…people with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages.”

I’ve always thought of myself as the type of person who doesn’t “rock the boat” or make waves. I just want things to flow naturally and smoothly because my expectations are (or should be) known therefore no “problems” should occur. I like to call this the “Autobell Carwash Syndrome”.

If I take my car to the car wash, and I order the deluxe wash, I expect everything on the list to be completed and to be done so to my standards. I hate having to walk around the car and inspect the job that has been done because I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to “criticize” or point out any spots they may have missed. I just want my expectations to be fulfilled based on the car wash I ordered.

Normally, I will smile and thank them and drive away, mumbling under my breath about how the car is still dripping and the trunk is not vacuumed. However, to my dismay, I’ve come to realize that relationships do not work this way!

The Marital Poop Detector

Speaking to our partners about an issue while it’s relatively small will actually help the relationship! It's not confrontation...it's communication! Dr. Gottman defines this type of behavior as, The Marital Poop Detector. The Marital Poop Detector is a sort of alarm system for your marriage. If something is amiss and things don’t feel right, the detector senses it and alerts you to the fact that a conversation should take place.

In general, it is the woman in the relationship that acts as the detector. Yes, there are probably jokes to be made about this fact, BUT let’s move on. Women tend to be more sensitive to the energy of the people around them—especially people they love.

Questions

Gottman suggests that speaking about the issue while it’s relatively small, will help avoid an explosion down the line. He offers up some questions in order to assess whether or not there are topics that need to be discussed in your relationship. The answers to the following questions will help you realize if a conversation needs to take place with your partner.

1. I have been acting irritably.

2. I’ve been feeling emotionally distant.

3. My partner has little idea of what I’m thinking.

4. I’ve been feeling lonely.

5. My partner has been acting irritably.

6. My partner has been angry.

7. My partner has wanted to be alone a lot.

8. My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.

It Takes Two

Women need not be the only “detectors” in the relationship. If both partners are actively aware of the state of the relationship, then both can work together to stay informed and engaged. Don’t assume anything or fall into the “Autobell Carwash Syndrome”. Take the time necessary to touch base with your partner and nurture a satisfying relationship.

Resources:

Gottman, John. & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.