Relationships-It's Not Winner Takes All

Tug-Of-War

I don’t want to automatically turn off any men that may be reading this…BUT according to countless studies and statistics men have a harder time being open to influence from their partners than their female counterparts.

So, essentially, if marriage was a game of tug-of-war, with a husband on one side and a wife on the other, the husband would have a difficult time not yanking that rope to bring his wife to “his side” in order to WIN!

I’m not being biased—it’s just science!

It's NOT The "Yes Dear" Syndrome

In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” John Gottman states, “Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” In general, women tend to be more open to the influence of their husbands by taking into account their husband’s feelings and opinions.

Some might perceive that allowing their partner to influence them feels like a case of “Whatever you say dear,” but it’s a matter of actively searching “for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.”

It's Simple: Don't Be A Jerk!

This exercise in allowing your partner to influence you boils down to two simple yet important factors: honor and respect. These two things help strengthen a couple’s friendship, which is the foundation of a strong marriage. When we honor and respect our partner, we are gaining so much more than what we fear we are losing.

In regards to husbands who are scared to give up perceived “power” in the relationship Gottman states, “He may become more authoritarian or withdraw into a lonely shell, protecting what little he has left. He does not give others very much honor and respect because he is engaged in a search for the honor and respect he thinks is his due.”

Accepting influence from your partner may not always come easy, but it is something that every person can learn to do.

How Well Are You Doing?

Are you sure you are accepting influence from your partner? Below are a few True or False questions inspired from Gottman’s book that might help you assess the current level of influence in your relationship.

1. My partner genuinely wants to hear what I have to say.

2. My partner shows me respect, even during an argument or disagreement.

3. My partner is usually the "winner" of our arguments.

4. My partner, for the most part, feels I have good ideas.

5. My partner tends to feel their ideas/solutions are better than mine.

6. My partner has told me I'm too emotional.

I’ve seen first-hand what happens when a spouse refuses to let their partner influence them. Trust dies, friendships wither and romance fades. Being married requires vulnerability. Letting go of some of your perceived “power” in a relationship can feel uncomfortable and scary. If you hit this brick wall of insecurity—step to the left and go around it! Ask yourself, “Do I love and trust my partner?” If the answer is (hopefully) yes, then trust that your vulnerability will pay off and reward you with a stronger, healthier marriage.

Resources:

Gottman, John. & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.