Getting What You Want In Your Relationship

Fair Is Fair

“Compromise”. Did your optimistic spirit just die a little when you read that word? The word compromise sometimes brings up feelings of defeat in people who are in a committed relationship. I knew someone who believed that a good compromise meant both parties walked away unhappy. Who wants to live in a relationship where both parties are equally miserable? I suppose that seems "fair"?

Dr. John Gottman sheds some light on how committed couples can navigate the tricky waters of problem solving in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Gottman gives 5 steps in being able to “Solve Your Solvable Problems”. I will list them below, but this post is going to only focus on…COMPROMISE.

The 5 Steps

1. Soften your start-up. Don’t begin a conversation ready to fight. Avoid blame and criticism. Take responsibility for your part in the situation. If you come into the conversation with your guard down, chances are your partner will do the same.

2. Learn to Make and Receive “Repair Attempts”. Be ready and willing to deescalate a conversation that might be heading down a negative road. If either of you feels the conversation is getting heated--make an attempt to defuse the situation. Raise the white flag--figuratively or literally. It can be as simple as making a silly joke or placing your hand on your partners arm.

3. Soothe Yourself and Each Other: If an argument is escalating, take a 20 minute break by doing something that will calm you. Then come together and calm one another. Be sure to state your intention of taking a break. Don't just walk away from the conversation otherwise your partner might feel abandoned.

4. Compromise: This is not about one person changing, but about finding a way to accommodate one another. If both partners are willing to step toward one another, chances are a healthy compromise can be found.

5. Dealing with emotional injuries: Be aware that injuries come from HOW you fight and not necessarily WHAT you are fighting about. There should be subjects that are not brought up during an argument. Lines that you both know not to cross. Addressing these issues will help you and your partner avoid emotional injuries in the future.

Your Partner's Influence Is Key

In order to find success in solving issues in your marriage you have to remember to accept the influence of your partner—the key to compromise. Gottman states, “Too often marriage gets bogged down in “if only”. If only your spouse were taller, richer, smarter, neater, sexier, all of your problems would vanish. Unlike cherishing, which nurtures gratitude for what you have, “if only” nurtures resentment for what you don’t have.”

Reality Sets In

Coming from a divorced point-of-view, I tend to be fairly cynical about compromising with my ex. Dare I say, it feels like I have a better chance of winning the lottery (which I don’t even play) and having that winning ticket hand delivered to me by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (swoon) with a balloon bouquet and a canister of Almond Rocca. That is to say, let's not gloss over the fact that it does, in fact, take two to reach a healthy compromise. It isn't always easy, but it is possible.

Always Room For Improvement

It's important to focus on finding common ground. However, as much as you try, there may be other things that need to be worked on in order to reach a point of compromise.

One thing I have learned for sure during my time in a marriage and my time divorced: Divorce does not improve communication! It can definitely eliminate (in my case) the daily stress of arguing and put-downs, but it does not “fix” the dysfunctional communication style that plagued my marriage.

I do feel, despite my cynicism, that if two people truly love and respect one another, with the right tools and focus on one another and God, issues can be worked through. I'm still waiting on The Rock to come to my doorstep!

Resources:

Gottman, John. & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.