7 Steps to Increase Connection During Difficult Times

Sometimes Sadness Is OK

One of my favorite scenes from the Pixar movie, “Inside Out” is when Bing Bong loses the wagon that he and Riley (the little girl that made him up) used to spend hours pretending and playing in. He has a sudden realization that Riley has outgrown him and things will never be the same. Joy tries to cheer him up with statements like, “We’ll fix this! It’s going to be ok!” as she tries to distract him with tickling and silly faces. Joy doesn’t want him to feel sad, but it’s Sadness who sits with him and listens to his emotions with an empathetic ear. She allows him to have his feelings, and is simply there for him while he reminisces. Afterward, he feels better and they continue on their journey.

This scene was so profound! It reminded me how important ALL our emotions are, and how important it is to have someone to sit with us and lend a listening ear and a hug and tell us, “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

It can be difficult for us to see the people we love feel sadness, depression, anger and frustration. Our knee-jerk reaction to seeing our partner in emotional pain might be to try and alleviate that pain, but one of the best things we can do is listen and empathize.

Give Your Partner A Gift

In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” Dr. John Gottman states, “I can’t emphasize enough how beneficial it will be to your relationship to give your partner the gift of being there when he or she is upset.” He goes on to say, “…it has become clear to me that happy couples live by the credo “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”

When we find ourselves trying to solve our partner’s problems or make their pain go away, we need to stop, take a step back and assess the situation. This can be a difficult task, especially if the negative emotions are pointed at us, but reacting with empathy as we strive to come from a place of understanding will go further in strengthening the bonds of our marriage than any other response.

Dr. Gottman offers up 7 steps that will help you use these emotionally charged times as opportunities to strengthen your marital bonds and come closer to one another in the end.

7 Steps

1. Acknowledge the difficulty: Sometimes just hearing the phrase, “That sounds really difficult” from another person can lower defenses and open up doors of communication.

2. Self-soothe: If you start to feel overwhelmed by your partner’s emotions, let your partner know you need a break. Be sure to assure them that the conversation is not over, and spend 20 minutes doing something you enjoy (listening to music, walking, reading, meditating, etc.) Better to take a break than blow up or stonewall your partner during a particularly vulnerable time.

3. Remember the goal is understanding: Avoid “solving” or minimizing the problem. You are there to listen.

4. Use exploratory statements and open-ended questions: By doing this, you are encouraging communication and support. Some examples would be: “Tell me what you’re feeling.” or “What are your concerns?”

5. Don’t ask “Why?”: You run the risk of coming off critical when asking this question. An alternative to asking why would be, “Help me understand how you decided that.”

6. Bear witness: Letting your partner know that you hear their struggles and you are there for them allows them to feel supported. A statement where you bear witness might sound like the following, “It sounds like you’re really stressed out because…”

7. Use your partner’s metaphors: Doing this helps your partner feel like you are fully aware of their experience. An example might be the following:

Your Partner: “This apartment is starting to feel like a prison.”

Your Response: “Wow, sounds like you really feel trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it?”

Strengthen Connections

As we experience the inevitable ups and downs of life, having a partner to sit with us and listen to our concerns and disappointments can go a long way in strengthening our relationships and emotional connections.

Resources

Gottman, John. & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.