Do You Know Your Partner? Answer These 4 Questions

I’m the kind of person who loves lists, plans, marking off boxes on a “To Do” list and seeing an overview of where I’m going in my map app. Dr. John Gottman introduces the concept of a Love Map in his book, The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work. A love map is simply a place in your brain where you keep the important information you gather about your significant other’s life. This information is (hopefully) constantly being updated and added to. In summary, “They know each other’s life goals, worries and hopes.”

As life events happen and we learn, grow and change as individuals, our love maps evolve as well. Gottman suggests that having an up-to-date love map will help couples weather the storms of life. They will know their partner’s thoughts, stresses, current likes and dislikes, etc. therefore, these natural life changes will not come as a surprise.

Children Can Be A Blessing Or A Struggle

Gottman’s study on newlyweds discovered that sixty-seven percent of couples had a significant drop in marital satisfaction after becoming parents for the first time, whereas the remaining thirty-three percent didn’t experience any drop, and of those thirty-three percent, half actually experienced an improvement. How could that be?

Gottman explains, “Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, they weren’t thrown off course. But if couples don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.”

To Know Me Is To Love Me

Early in a relationship, gathering information for your love map is generally very effortless. You naturally want to know everything you possibly can about this person who makes you feel special and amazing. Fast forward 6 years and a couple kids later and you hardly know the person you share a home with. It’s easy to fall into these ruts. How do you know if you’re stuck in a rut, or if your love map on your partner is old news?

Can you answer the following 4 questions about your partner?

1. Do I know my partner’s basic philosophy of life?

2. Can I name a few things that are currently causing stress in my partner’s life?

3. Do I make it a point to ask my partner about what’s going on in their world right now?

4. Do I know the three most special times in my partner’s life?

If You Can Keep Up With The Kardashians You Can Keep Up With Your PartnerKeeping up with a love map can take time and effort, but hopefully you only need to make a few simple adjustments to the things you are already doing in order to refresh your love and friendship.In his book, Gottman gives some great games to play that will help enhance each person’s love map such as, playing a game of 20 Questions, asking open-ended questions and engaging in some self exploration together.

The following are some questions to ask yourself. Dig deeper, get to know yourself so your partner can know you better too!

• What are my triumphs and strivings?

• What injuries and healing have I experienced in my life?

• What are my beliefs about and how do I express my emotions?

• What is my mission in life and what kind of legacy do I hope to leave behind?

• Who do I want to become?

Continually updating your love maps will help foster a greater friendship between yourself and your partner and enhance your understanding for one another.

Resources:Gottman, John. & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.