An Amicable Divorce? Is That Even A Thing?

Having an amicable divorce isn't just the stuff of fairytales...it can be real...it can be simple (relatively)...and it can be manageable!

For The Love Of The Kids...And Yourself Too!

After divorce, creating an environment that isn't toxic for everyone in the neighborhood might feel overwhelming, but accomplishing that for your kids? Now that's doable!

Very few people, if any, go into marriage expecting it to eventually end one day. Unfortunately, according to statistics, approximately half of all marriages will end in divorce. This is obviously a traumatizing event for the husband and wife, however, if there are children involved, an already stressful situation becomes close to unbearable for everyone. When children are involved in divorce, the pressure to have an amicable relationship with an ex increases. Being respectful and employing good communication skills seems like a tall order to fill. Many people think, “If I could do that, we wouldn’t be getting a divorce!” But keep in mind--children from divorced families can adjust if their parents have a "working" relationship. Now, I didn't say you had to be best friends--or even friends--but focusing on what's best for the kids is certainly within your power!

Impact On Children

How do we, as parents, ease the stress that will inevitably fall onto our children? The good news is that it is possible and within our control. Working together with an ex to lighten the emotional load of the children can result in a successful transition into the “new normal”.

Numerous studies have been conducted over the years about the effects of divorce on children. In his article titled, “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation” Paul R. Amato explores the many ways divorce impacts children and how these affects can be reduced.

Children of divorce tend to experience higher drop-out rates and depression, however, this doesn't have to be the case! It's NOT the fact that a family is experiencing a divorce that dooms everyone to depression, but HOW that family deals with the divorce that predicts how successful a family will be post-divorce.

It's Totally Easy...Just Be Nice! (said no divorcee--EVER)

LISTEN...nobody is perfect. Research shows that children from divorced families are not the only ones being negatively impacted when parents don’t get along. Children from families with two married parents who fight in front of their children can experience similar stressors to children whose parents have gone through a divorce.

The key to success in hardship is the type of relationship the parents maintain during their marriage and after their divorce. Amato states, “Correspondingly, some children with divorced parents cope well, perhaps because their parents are able to separate amicably and engage in cooperative co-parenting following martial dissolution.”

As parents, our top priority is the health and well-being of our children. Working together with an ex is just another way we strive to be responsible--like giving them their daily multivitamin or getting them to school on time.

Think Outside Of Yourself

In addition to striving for respectful communication between exes, I would like to add that having something “bigger” than yourself to believe in (whether it be religion, charity work or some other focus outside of yourselves) when your world is turned upside-down in turmoil, can help your family weather the storm.

When my family went through divorce, we turned to our faith in God for comfort and volunteering in the community. I know that going to church regularly, praying for my ex as a family, as well as having open dialogue about our feelings, really helped us to weather the storm. Focusing on others instead of our situation really helped raise our positive energy. It not only gave my children a sense of purpose, but also helped them to have faith and hope that things would get better. And amazingly enough--they did! "Are things perfect?" you ask, "Not even close", but they are so much better than they were--and that's something to celebrate!

Points To Remember

1. Focus on the kids

Throughout the separation and divorce, make sure to check in with your kids. Ask them how they are feeling, assure them they are loved and be honest about the situation. Obviously, be honest in an age appropriate way and don't make empty promises.

2. Focus on what you have control over

Unfortunately, or fortunately you can't control your ex's actions, therefore, the responsibility falls on you to be the bigger person. If your ex is a particular sort of difficult person, keep your head high and your integrity intact. This will positively impact your children in the short and long term. As frustrating as it may be, they need at least one stable parent in their life and its gotta be YOU!

3. It's NOT the end of the world

Divorce SUCKS. Feelings of failure can be crippling. But remember that life moves forward and actually gets better. Time passes and helps to lessen the sting. Parents make mistakes and thankfully kids are resilient! If anyone would of told me 7 years ago (heck, even a year ago!) that my ex and I would have a mostly amicable relationship today...I would have laughed in their face--after I picked myself up off the floor. BUT it can happen--it's possible!

4. Turn your focus to others

Get out with your kids and serve others! Not only is it a great way to bond as a family, but it helps take the focus off your own worries and puts things into perspective!

References: “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation” Paul R. Amato