The Magic Relationship Ratio

Who knew the key to a successful marriage required a little magic?

The Magic Relationship Ratio

Who knew that protecting your marriage involved a little bit of magic? Maybe Harry Houdini—who was married to Bess Houdini for about 32 years. Maybe David Blane—never married, but engaged and then broke it off (ok, bad example).

Regardless of the magicians who knew magic plays a role in having a successful marriage, one researcher, Dr. John Gottman, PH. D discovered that there is a “magic” formula to keeping your relationship out of the danger zone (and not the “good” Danger Zone Kenny Loggins sang about).

Five to One

Think of a time when your spouse or significant other paid you a compliment. I’m sure it made you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Perhaps that feeling even lasted you most of the day. Good feelings endear us to our partner. Now, think of a time when your partner hurt your feelings—intentional or otherwise. Depending on the severity of the offense, the frustration or anger you felt may have lasted a day or two or three! Perhaps, if the issue was never resolved properly, you are getting irritated thinking about it as you read this!

The fact of the matter is, negative interactions impact our relationship more severely than positive ones. Gottman’s ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5 to 1. That’s 5 positive interactions in order to out weigh the impact of 1 negative. This ratio is present in healthy marriages—even during disagreements and/or heated discussions.

Ready, Set--Be Positive!

Positive things such as showing interest in the conversation, eye contact, asking questions, showing affection and empathy as opposed to negative interactions such as hostility, criticism and hurt feelings can impact the outcome of a disagreement.

Gottman explains it another way: “Once your marriage gets “set” at a high degree of positivity, it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your “set point” were lower. And if your relationship becomes overwhelmingly negative, it will be more difficult to repair.”

Consequently, couples in danger of heading for divorce had a different ratio of positive to negative interactions—.8 to 1.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I believe it’s safe to say that every married couple will have at least one (or even two...gasp!) disagreements in their lifetime. Gottman believes that arguing, in and of itself doesn’t ruin a marriage, but the way a couple argues can doom a marriage. The bottom line of predicting success: Friendship. Gottman suggests that a strong healthy friendship enables a couple to maintain the love, playfulness, respect, and mutual affection that is so important to a healthy relationship.

Some quick tips on how to maintain the friendship with your partner that undoubtedly brought you together in the first place:

1. Plan a date night each week. Take turns making the plans so one person doesn’t feel like they are doing all the work! Make it the same day and time each week so you know it will happen.

2. Random acts of kindness. Remember when you were dating? You would go out of your way to send your partner a text during the day just to let them know you are thinking about them. You used to offer your help. You used to want to be there for them! Don’t stop doing those things now that you’re married!

3. LAUGH together. Laughter is the best medicine. Send a funny gif during the day. Watch a movie or tv series that you used to enjoy before you were married. Let the good memories flow.

4. Forgive. Everyone is in need of grace and forgiveness once in a while. Getting stuck in justification can be damaging to a friendship. Don’t live in justifications—you will either end up living there alone, or living there with a miserable partner. Be the kind of friend you would want your partner to be! It will endear you to one another so much more than holding a grudge.

What's Love Got To Do...Got To Do With It? In truth, some friendships come naturally and some need to be worked at, and that’s ok. Having been in a marriage that ended in divorce, I can see how friendship is a vital aspect of a healthy marriage. After all, the wildly talented Tina Turner asked, “What’s love got to do with it?” She didn’t ask, “What’s friendship got to do with it?” Because the answer is…friendship has everything to do with it!

Resources

Gottman, John. & Silver, Nan. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgUixRhiF8A